School is tomorrow.

"I'm really excited to see you!"

Sadly,this title is 100% true. I didn't do anything eventful this weekend besides chill with my friends and styled my hair differently without having to cut it. I'm not really excited for school,but just for change in general,I know in two months I'll be wishing it was summer. It's my grandfather's real 80th birthday today and I went out to their place 45minutes from here to hangout with him, had my first beer with him,it was special..considering neither of my parents do it,he will have to suffice. I took a few photos and their posted on my other blog, it's not all of them though,I'll upload them to flikr soon. Anyhow,I should get some sleep.
I'll post a long one tomorrow most likely.
-Malika

I'm happy

"And that's all that really matters"

http://www.myspace.com/evanredsky

-Malika

Sixteen,clumsy and shy.-iLovetheSmiths.

"Cause,you're there, and I'm?well I'm here and there's not much we can do."

Best movie of the summer,even before "Whatever Works",which was also quite lovely. I liked it lots, Zoey Deschanel did a terrific job of coarse,she's an amazing singer with her project She and Him, with Em Ward. The soundtrack is quite wonderful too and it's a shame that I haven't given the Smiths a listen in awhile, until tonight. Made me remember how awesome they really are.Same with Regina Specktor,love her voice. I also find it very cool that they included a french song that's sung by the First Lady of France, Carla Bruni. She sings incredibly and I reccomend her to anybody who enjoys french folk. Tonight was really sweet,tomorrow is going to be better and Sunday will be rad, a good way to wrap up the ending of my summer.

-Malika

My feeble attempt at writing:

"Bare with me"

The medicine:

We walk slowly down the park path in a sway. There's nothing to say anymore but talk of old memories. Hand in hand, it feels like I'm holding icecubes instead. It's late fall and there's a thick sleet of ice coating the ground. I look to the sky and wonder in the silence what it was that brought us together in the first place, we were both going through times of trouble,maybe the coming feeling of being lost led us to eachother. I needed someone to occupy my feelings just as much as he did.
"Are you okay?" you ask, "I was okay before I met you and I'm still okay right now, you just help a little" I say and look to the ground. When I looked up he wasn't looking at me, he wasn't looking at anything in particular, just staring ahead. The path was nearing an end and I looked him through the side of my eyes and mine met his, I turned my head to look at him, "I wasn't okay before I met you, but now I am, I'm more then okay and you helped a lot." He tells me this like I should be thankful, am I? Maybe I don't know. He lets go of my hand and leaves it freezing. The path ends and we look at eachother for a good two minutes.
He smiles, "I'm okay now", I smile back at him, "I'm a lot better now".
I walk home and go to sleep,not feeling anything at all. It's been three months since I've saw him, I'm still okay.

okay so, yeah...this isn't about anybody ,it just came out of my head.
-Malika

Savings please?

"Hi, want a piece of my heart with that?"

I was just rudely interupted by my computer while playing the sims, to instal some stupid updates. Without saving,because I had NO idea it was going to do that, all my progress was lost, and it was getting really good. Stupid Windows Vista, I really am going to start saving for a Mac to see if it's as good as my ex says they are. My third shift at work is tomorrow, or should I say in about 13 hours..(It's 3:54am). I like it, well sort of.. I had a moment of laziness today and got the biggest urge to not go in, and it was only my second shift, that's pretty bad on my part I'd say. A friend of mine is in a hizzy, she did something she regrets and of coarse this regret was because of alcohol, unfortunatlely. As much as I love her, she shouldn't drink... I'm planning on getting my hair done before school starts, but what nobody really understands is that my hair is really "different", you could say... so it's so hard to choose a style I like, but when I do, I promise to put a picture or two up. Of coarse,I'm lonely as can be these past couple of days and it's really taking a toll on me, and putting me in a rotten mood but it's kind of a good thing because there's nobody to take the rotten mood out on. I miss my bestfriend(the one in France) like no tomorrow, there's so much I have to tell her but I have to wait for her to arrive at her host family, you see... she's been at this boarding school learning the ropes for the past week and a half or so, and then she's going to her actual place, where she can proceed to give everyone who cares her adress so we can harass her with mail and whatnot. She ditched a call to her family to call me and I feel pretty special about that, although it was through skype and the call failed halfway through,it was nice to hear a familiar voice. School starts on Tuesday, and I'm kind of dreading it, but then again I want it to start just so I can get some socializing into my schedual and meet some new people... Hopefully somebody will catch my eye.. girl or boy anybody who's cool and can provide good conversation would be awsome. I'm kind of bumed my ex isn't returning and same with my bestfriend(Ryan), which leaves me with pretty much nobody except with two good friends and some aquaintences I've made over the last four years.. I don't hangout with my old friends anymore because we've drifted pretty far apart in the past couple years, but of coarse I'll never forget them, because with them, I've had some of the best times in my young life and I'll always owe them that,I've learned so much about myself and about life from some of those people that I can't just let go like that. Another thing I've noticed quite a bit is that I've just been so scared lately... not the "BOO!" scared, but the kind of scaredness that just sits there in the pit of your stomach and eats at you when you want to do something out of the ordinary(spellcheck?). I feel like I've just been holding back words and emotions so much that it's starting to annoy me and build-up and not to mention another thing I'm scared about is that it will all just blow soon, every little thing and hopefully it won't, but if it does I already have someone in mind that could use a few harsh words, although the minute after it all happens I'll regret it cause I know he'll never speak to me again, HAH...I know I shouldn't care and it wouldn't harm to not talk to him for a little bit, but knowing that he won't want to talk to me again will hurt me just a little bit....so in conclusion...I'm saving for a Mac(woo!),I'm lonely(nothing new),I'm excited(in a way),I'm scared(of everything) and I'm anxious for change(that never seems to come).


Sorry for all the uneeded details..I had to release some of my thoughts somewhere, and where else would be the best place?not like anybody reads this anyways.
-Malika

I'll leave that dieing young stuff up to you.

"I'm Mrs.Lonely,where's my Mr.Lonely?"

I just don't get it,I don't know if I'm ready to understand. I can't explain it,there's no way to even try.People have felt this,if not worse. Loosing almost everything,I'm so greatful I haven't, or have I? even myself? Is it possible to get lost within yourself? If so,then I most likely have and there's nobody to find me,or so it feels.
He's out there,but not looking for me yet,and I'm getting impatient.
-Malika

You have changed, and I haven't changed enough.

"Because, there's tons of stuff standing inbetween me and happiness"

All I can consume myself with right now is Harry Potter and good music+beer and sometimes friends. I wish I could be a wizard and cast a silence spell on certain people. Oh and learn to fly so I can disapear into the clouds for awhile. I went to a friend's lastnight,it was his birthday,and I caught the last few songs of Vicious Cycle,and they ruled of coarse. I ended up drinking beers and made up with a friend that I stopped talking to for awhile,it was nice to know he was sorry for what happened,and I willingly accepted the apology because I no longer care for the person I stopped talking to him over.
I scored a new job and I start tomorrow,I'm quite excited to start working and before school starts too,I think I want to save for a macbook air,yes I know it's loads of money but they're definetly a good investment.
This post took me super long to finish, like open for three hours long..I get sidetracked way to easily.
Until my post,
-Malika

School starts in 10 days

"It's not like I didn't think about it everyday"

Your heart belongs to someone you have yet to meet,
Someday you will be loved.

Today was an awesome day.Pure awesome and I'm really happy for that. I got so much stuff and had a really good time with Ryan&Jeff at the mall,although there were moments I really wanted someone to leave.I noticed a weird ocd habbit,I buy everything in twos haha ex: two pairs of pants,two flannels,two cardigcans and two v-necks... kind of strange. Later Ryan and I went to the movies("muvies") ,we walked from the mall..not thinking that it would rain buckets. In attempt to run for cover I slipt on some pavement and scrapped my knee(clutz much?) But there was this moment when I was just lying there on the pavement and the rain was pouring down on me,I felt like such a kid again...just a timeless feeling fell over me and it felt like everything stopped for that one minute and I was truly happy, because it was so innocent and nobody could ruin it and I've never felt that before. We ended up seeing District 9,it had it's moments but I enjoyed it for the most part, and the underlying message was really good,what I got from it, in the end is love will always be with you if you're patient enough to wait for it.
Anyway,the title of this entry is quite litterally true,and I wish it wasn't oh so much. I'm going to be pretty lonely this year if I don't do much socializing and make friends...I ditched most of my friendships(the few I had) because of my ex and he's not even coming back this year.I have a few friends but I know I'll end up feeling as though I'm just a tag-along and I hate that feeling so much. There's going to be new people(there always is) and hopefully they'll be cool and aproachable,fingers&toes crossed anyways. I have a tough semester ahead of me too,thankfully I have a spare for homework and whatnot and when I don't have any to do I can lay in the field and watch the clouds go by..should be fun ^^
Anyways,I'm sort of hungry and want to watch Into The Wild(loved the book)
-Malika

This is for you.

"I hate to be the one to tell you"

Sad news.Sad news day.
I hate being the baerer(spell check?) of bad news, but what has to be said has to be said, I guess it's better hearing it from a friend then a complete stranger..right? It's wierd how one person can walk into your life and change almost everything about it, and then so easily just...be taken away. Yet, I'm not talking about my own life, I'm talking about someone elses. I'm just a witness to all this, sort of the wallflower that's just there.I hear. I see. I listen,and then sometimes...I speak. Maybe a little to much or sometimes not enough. Or, I speak too late..Sometimes I wonder if it could have all been prevented in the first place but that's really not my position to say something like that, or even think it. You kind of wonder,was it all just a big mistake,was it all worth it? the anger and tears. I say yeah,lots have already said no but when it comes down to it, you have to experience it, or something like it sooner or later. Sure, it's not always as complicated as that, but when it comes down to it, every person in their lives will experience some sort of heartbreak. You can't avoid it, as hard as you try, some how love will find you in the end and ruin you eventually with every first time,if that makes sense. It was inevitable, and sometimes I wonder if he knows this, or knew. I guess.. we're all blinded when our hearts get in the way of clarity.
-Malika

Everybody's gotta learn sometimes.

"I'm really into that whole unexplainable love thing.."

I can't explain the mood I'm in, but I'll tell you that I've just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you've saw the movie you should understand, but if you haven't, that means you should see it ASAP. Such a wonderful movie,one of my favourites. Michel Gondry is the director, he also directed a movie I really want to see, The Science of Sleep. I watched the trailor for it awhile back and was interested but I haven't been able to find it yet and I refuse to watch it over the computer. My grandpa's birthday thing with the whole family was today,it was...smooth. Nothing went wrong,except for the fact that I pwned my cousin when he started badmouthing my ex,thinking that I'd go with it,nope!..not the case. It was the first time I ever saw my grandpa cry,and a lot of my family members. It's as if we were at his funeral,but he was still alive. My mom cried and I had to leave,not because I thought I would've started,but because I can't stand when people cry infront of me.It's something I've alway avoided,it defeats me when someone cries,makes me cringe..because when I cry it's usually my last resort at trying to make everything better,an emotional overdose.I don't know if many people are like that,and it might seem as though I have no heart,but I'll argue that because I'm the opposite,I have too much. If someone is crying I'll do almost anything to make them stop and try my best to get to the bottom of the situation. It took me an hour to write this because I kept getting sidetracked with music and conversations I was having. Anyway,it's about time I go and get my dosage of sims,I'm making a school on there(ironic no?) and I'm getting close to being done(I'm a really big nerd). PS-Listen to Radiohead,they're amazing.
-Malika

"I think it's because it's something I'll always want,complicated and funny but super passionate underneath it all"

The reasons all ran away,but the feelings still exist.

"No,It's okay"

Another wasted day,another wasted chance. I love sleeping in really late,but I can't help but feel it's a waste of time for some reason. There's so much things I want to do,but I have little motivation to actually do them and I can only think of one thing/person who would give me that little motivation I need and they're not here anymore to do that. I'm so lonely and I really hate it, I want someone to be happy with because, I can't find anything to be happy about when I'm alone,it's pathetic that it takes a certain feeling to make me feel like I've got all that I could ever want,when in reality I have so much more then some people and should be really greatful for that. I feel really selfish for feeling this way too,because wanting more is frowned upon,but it's all I want,more. I have such an addiction to things that it sometimes drives me mad when I don't get them,it's a really bad habit I've formed this year...I'm really materialistic. I hate when people buy me things though,only I like to buy myself things.It gives me that feeling of satisfaction of knowing I can afford things for myself, it also fills my void,but only for so long before I want something else. As I said before,there's really few things that make me happy,and that's why I constantly want more,when that feeling of happiness runs out from whatever I have,there's just more out there that will make me happy. Sort of a high,I don't know it's hard to explain. I know I don't want to be like this forever though..I don't know what will cure me though,maybe a person? That's exactly what I need,and want. But I know for a fact that I won't get bored of him,because what kind of girl would I be if that was the case? A really terrible one,a terrible person indeed. Relationships and friendships are something I'll never get bored/tired of. I'm I a terrible person for being so materialistic?
-Malika

"Just because I finally got over you doesn't mean there aren't days when it all comes rushing back."

I'm quite happy with my state of mind,I've had a good day minus the puking in the morning and I'm at peace with myself(for once). My dad has gone down south to look at more houses,in hopes to find one he'll buy. I'm at ease when it's just my mom and I at home, no pressure at all from my dad,the way it should always be hah. My grandpa is turning 80 on the 31st of August,but our family insists on having his "party" on the 16th(Sunday) because that's the best time where everyone's availble,psht. My family isn't the least bit functional nor do we all get along,so it should be interesting to see. I'm about to go make some soup and play Sims2 despite it being 2:43 in the am, I never sleep when I should,and I know I'm going to be fucked for school,watching the sunset has been the highlight of my summer for the past month,well the days when the sun decides to show its pretty face to this grey city.
-Malika

Out with the old

"This is a huge favor"

How do people stop talking to one another without trying to be rude about it? I want to erase somebody from my mind,because it will just be better for me and probably my bestfriend too because he's at the point where he doesn't want to listen anymore and we've bickered about it,which is not good. It's not that I don't like the person,I just want them out of my mind,and what's the best strategy for that?Someone please enlighten me. I need some space in my own mind to breathe for a while,maybe I'll go back and talk again in a month or two,but I just need some time to get back to how I was before. How was I before?Well,I didn't care so much about other people, and I was content to be by myself. I need to start living for me and doing things that make me happy. I just need to find my nerves,hide them. AND then,say what I need to say. Fuck,this is going to take longer then I want it to. On a side note, my other bestfriend is leaving for France for six months tomorrow,I'm going to miss her sososo much,but I'm really stoked for her because it will for sure be a life-altering experience and so much can happen in the time that she is there. Also, an old friend Barrie came over lastnight and chilled today,it was fun but we didn't do too much,we hungout lastnight with a bunch of people and then today we slept for a while and went out for chinese, then her dad came to get her. She's going home on Sunday,and then I'll see her at Christmas,well maybe. I can feel the differences between us now,it's only natural that would happen,but I can't help but feeling a little down about it.
-Malika

Quick

"I really don't like him Miia"

Lastnight was fun.Brews and chill sessions with a small group are always fun,although it sucks when their ended early due to certain circumstances. I never used to like beer,but in the last year its grown on me so much.
My bestfriend leaves for france for six months Friday,so I'm shackin up at her place to hangout for a bit.
Until my next post,
-Malika

I'm so far along and I just don't need you

"Family should come first"

So,I went to Toronto this weekend and made it back,despite my greatest efforts to stay a little longer. I had a really splended time there and I realized two things,I shouldn't let people walk all over me,and two..I'm way to generous for my own good. I guess the second one is good,sort of.
When I got back earlier I noticed that I'm slowly entering a state that I've been in before,reality is setting in and it's not as foggy as it was,but I'm not really looking for anything in particular so anything can pop out and surprise me. It was nice while it lasted,but it's time I give it a rest and pick up in few months to see how things are going,I don't need to feel that way anymore.
ANYWAYS, I got:
Some clothes;See the three shirts above+a lot more.
Two movies;
The Labrynth(David Bowie)
&Woodstock collection DVD
Three CDs;
Dinosaur JR.-Without a Sound
Damien Rice-9
The I Spies-In the night(random cd I bought,never heard them prior..they aren't bad)

We went to a show and two local bands from my hometown played, Vicious Cycle(really great band,check out the link) and Plagues(another great band). Adrian and I left after the first set due to him not feeling well at all, I didn't mind though because I wasn't feeling to great myself. I didn't leave without anything though of coarse,I bought a Vicious Cycle Tee and one of their pins and I bought a Plagues casset and it turned out the lead vocalist has a zine,it's pretty decent for the ones I've seen before.
Anyway, we ended up leaving this morning during a crazy storm that rattled my nerves because I hatehatehate lightning with a passion,and it didn't help when we were in the car at all,I got so naucious I almost puked. We stopped in Vaughn at the outlet mall,it was alright..I got 2beanies at H&M and almost bought a jacket,but decided against it. The car ride home wasn't too bad,minus the fact that I was dead tired.
All in all,a decent trip,another one is due in about 3months,or so.
http://www.myspace.com/viciousxcycle
http://www.myspace.com/plaguessudbury
Enjoi,they both rule =)
-Malika

Pre-weekend video

"Okay there Mr.Irrelevant"

He makes lovely sound.
Toronto tomorrow.
-Malika

I still have this new regret to think about from time to time.

"How nice to see your face today"

I made a realization,young love.It can last for some people,but I know I'm not part of that "some". I'm the kind of person that holds on and hates to let go,but when I do let go,I won't ever pick it back up again,I'll merely look and say it "I used to have that" and continue on my way with whatever. I don't think I'll find it for a while,well not until I'm not looking for it anymore,it will probably smack me in the face.Who knows if it will turn into love or what,if it lasts...it's in me that one of us will fall out of love. Isn't that what happens to most failed young couples who were inlove? it just gets old.
Realizing that,kind of gave me a little hope.Believing this,helps me think that the relationship I'm so stuck on would have ended up like that eventually,not saying how long down the road but eventually would have ended due to that.
Kind of lifts my spirits,a bit.
-Malika

I should have given you a reason to stay.

"It doesn't matter because it doesn't matter"

I've slipped,I've caved. I'm weak and pleading.I'm broke and emty. I don't like my life.
What I've been doing,to keep myself from falling underwater: Reading Harry Potter.
Watching Harry Potter.
Playing Sims.
Sleeping all day.
Late night conversations with my bestfriend.

I think I might have found a way out though, I'm going to start crocheting hats! Thanks to my eldest friend,she's 75 and is amazing,like a second grandma,but gives me tips about the stuff you would NEVER want to hear your grandmother talk about. She's one of my biggest insperations and I really don't have many of those. One of the few people I tell everything to,and hold close to my heart. Also,I'm thinking of starting another blog,dedicated mainly to pictures...my own,clothing,art,inspiring things oh and music...very little writing though. Not sure when I will have it up,as I want to gather some things first. I'm going to be in Toronto this weekend too,going to do some shopping and going to a show,where two bands from my hometown are going to be playing,along with a few other really awsome bands. I'm really excited for that,and I'm going with someone who has never been to toronto,so it will be interesting.Plenty of shopping and people watching to be done.
I'm excited :)
-Malika